thoughts on my month off.


Today is June 2nd and that means my month off is over.  I really have to admit that May was quite the month.  I learned alot about what I want to do and don't want to do anymore, about what makes me happy and what brings me down, and learned about my anxiety and "why" things happen.  I spent lots of time "relaxing" (or doing what I thought was relaxing), laid on the floor with the bunnies alot, and had long talks with my husband (who is my best friend and such an amazing person).  I took my time cleaning out each and every piece of my craft room, did lots of reading on anxiety, depression, and just the stresses of every day life, and had a few meetings with my therapist.  I spent lots of time soul-searching and deciding how I want my life to go.  I overdosed on motivational pins on Pinterest.

I always dream that one day I'll have a trendy lifestyle blog, where I share all of my cute outfits and thrift store finds, my cute husband and family, and all of our fun adventures.  In these posts, we're always smiling and looking like life is so grand.  There's no imperfections and no hint of anything being wrong.  (I know this probably sounds hilarious to some, but its definitely how I feel sometimes).  But, the truth is, I'm never going to have a life like that.  Because I work a 9 to 5 job and I'm gone from home 10 hours a day.  And when I am home, I have a husband to take care of, a home to clean, and furry children to {not} trip over.  And, in a way, I've already been building a happy life without even knowing it, without even taking the time to realize it.

Admitting here on the blog and to friends that I have anxiety is truly one of the best things I have ever done.  I learned that alot more people deal with it then they care to admit.  I didn't want to be judged about my anxiety, didn't want people thinking I'm "weird," and didn't want people asking "Are you thinking of hurting yourself?"  (Because for some reason those go hand-in-hand).  Here's the truth: Life stresses me out.  Every day life stresses me out.  I worry way too much and can't turn off my mind.  I sometimes feel overwhelmed.  When I get stressed out or overwhelmed, I can feel myself getting panicky and my breath getting short.  I get apprehensive before going to parties or "big events" and before driving out to the city to visit family.  Some days, I'd rather be in bed.

And you know what?  It's just the way it is.  It doesn't mean I'm depressed or ready to stop living.  It doesn't mean I don't love to do things or am not happy.  It's just something I will have to deal with throughout life.  It is something that a million-and-a-half people deal with everyday.  Some people take medicine, some people talk to professionals, and some people just keep it all inside and don't tell a soul.  And try to be normal.  But there is no normal.  There will never be a normal and no one is perfect.  And that's that. 

I wanted to share a list of some things I've been reading and that have helped me learn and grow this month, but {of course} I didn't save all of the links and am still collecting them, so I'll share them in a few days.

I want to thank everyone (you know who you are) for all of your support and for not judging this girl who is just trying to find her way through life.  I am so thankful that I was able to open up about my struggles and have lots of friends to talk to about it.  I'm looking forward to writing on my blog regularly again and sharing some of my everydays with you again.

xoxo,
Kelster Jean 

5 comments:

  1. Hugs Kelly. I can relate to you. God bless.

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  2. Your brain has wiring that causes anxiety. You are not defined by anxiety. I admire you for taking time off to learn about anxiety, see your therapist and soul searching. You've come to a realization what your will not be like and what it is.
    Take it one day at a time. I'm sure you've learned some coping mechanisms to deal with an oncoming anxiety attack. After a while, you'll be extremely pro-active where you won't give the attack a chance to work through your brain and body.
    Good work, my dear! Keep it. It's never easy. Accepting you have the disorder is the key. Knowing it won't take away your love for the things you enjoy...is your secret weapon.

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  3. Glad you are okay! I struggle with anxiety and have the same feelings as you. My husband just doesn't understand that my mind does NOT turn off and it bothers him that i worry about everything.. but I can't help it!! Keep your chin up, we can do it together :)

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  4. Im glad you were able to share your experience dealing with anxiety and took some time to realize your ARE building a happy life, just not the one you expected. You are not alone! My life has turned out so much different than I hoped and dreamed 30 years ago, and even 5 years ago, but I'm learning to enjoy the ride, to "Let go and Let God"!!! In the end its a wonderful roller coaster ride!

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  5. Kelly, you are such a strong person for being honest with yourself and for being so extremely open. I am so happy to hear that your month off really helped you. I'm looking forward to seeing the things you read when you finish collecting all the links. I am so proud of you and you have definitely inspired me to take a closer look inside myself and to not be afraid to take a time out. Welcome back and looking forward to your blog posts!

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