a million thanks and an update!

{source}

So, we finally put our story out there!!  Wooooootttt!!! Let me tell you, even though lots of people already knew what we were going through, it was freaking scary hitting that publish button and having it all out there for the whole wide world to see.  When I wrote that post shortly after our first failed IVF process, we were so so completely heartbroken and I was very emotional.  I knew that sharing our story and being so vulnerable meant opening up to the good as well as the bad, and anytime you do that, it's super scary.

But despite all that, we are so happy that it's finally all out there and that we don't have to hide a thing anymore!!  Even though we both already knew we had amazing support, the feedback we received in response to our story was completely overwhelming. I found it ironic that people called me "brave" and "strong."  (This is something I struggle with alot, the meaning of being brave and strong).  Really, we are just normal people going through some super tough things and learning how to handle it as we go along.

Anyways, rambling.  A huge tremendous overwhelming THANK YOU to everyone that read our story and commented and are keeping us in their thoughts and prayers and rooting for us this whole time and from here on out.  We are so so so so lucky to have the most wonderful people in our lives, that are cheering us on, and we are beyond grateful!

So where do we go from here?  Well, I met with our doctor about a month after our news.  It was tough being back in his office, and seeing all our nurses, and trying not to cry my eyes out.  Our doctor was so disappointed, like we were, especially since he said everything was "perfect."  I had such a heartfelt meeting with him that I appreciated so much!  Our doctor told me the reason for our fail was "implantation issues," and what that means right now, we are not sure.  We decided to undergo some testing before going through another process, to try and find this out.  This I also appreciate so much: having some answers or at least trying to find out some more information before wasting more time and money and emotions.  We took a break for the summer, just to be away from it all.  During this time, we (of course) had other things going on in our lives that were tough, but also grew as a couple even more.  It was so nice to pay attention to each other and our furries again without having to worry about anything fertility-related.  I started testing in August and we will most likely be going through another process sometime this fall.  We are excited and hopeful, but nervous and scared as well.  We don't want to think about what will be after that.  We just want to focus on getting through that and hopefully coming out with the best news possible.

We have learned so much from this experience so far.  Both about each other, our relationship, and ourselves.  I do not for one second regret the decision to be so open and transparent about our situation.  The best feeling in the whole wide world has been hearing a friend say that because of us and sharing our story, it has helped them share theirs (even if it's not to this big of an audience, but maybe just their loved ones).  This is all we've ever hoped for.  That people know that this really effing sucks and is very hard to go through, but you don't have to be in it alone, and there is absolutely no reason to be ashamed.  100%.

Thank you so much again for allowing me to share our story.  

xoxo always

story: our IVF journey.

I wrote this post a few days after our first failed IVF process, and it's been sitting in my drafts for months.  I decided to finally share it for no reason in particular other than to just share our journey so far.

This is our IVF journey and our feelings and our story, and may be different from other people's journey or stories.  Please be kind.

--------------------

Today I'm sharing our IVF journey thus far, or a nutshell version of it anyways (it's long and complicated).  It was our {mutual} decision to be open about our fertility issues, so some of our family and friends may know some of this already, but I wanted to share the details and our experience.  A story of sorts.  In case you're interested but more because we want to bring awareness and understanding to what it's like to go through this.

us on our birthiversary-taken 4/2/16.

Where it all began.  A little back story.  We found out during the summer of 2015 that we actually had fertility issues.  Prior to that, we had been trying to conceive since 2012.  Not religiously at first.  We were like other "We're trying to have a baby" stories.  Stop preventative measures.  Get all excited because finally you don't have to use anything!  Then month after month goes by and nothing happens.  Since we were still super young and hopeful, we decided to just let it ride.  By summer of 2015, we already did the "fun" trying to conceive things like tracking ovulation schedules and trying during certain times of the month, using a Basal thermometer to track ovulation temperature spikes, and reading "The Impatient Women's Guide to Getting Pregnant."  One of the first suggestions in the book is to have the male tested, as a precaution, after at least 6 months of trying.  "Usually the male passes, but this is just the first step just in case."  Well...the male didn't pass and that was where the adventures of our infertility began.

Funny side story to this:  There was a mix-up at the lab and the results of Alex's first sperm test came back as a post-vasectomy patient.  "Yes, there's still sperm present."  Um....yes, there's supposed to be!!  Ooops.  (We should have known then that was a sign for all things CRAZY!)

us-summer 2015, at wedding #4.

So, during the summer of 2015, which was our crazy wedding season (6 weddings), we were also in the midst of our fertility testing.  Blood tests, ultrasounds, a dye test, and several sperm samples.  Fast track a few months to meeting with our doctor and we find out we both have issues: Alex has unexplained low sperm count and I have ovulation issues.  Great!  We're really a pair.  (In all honesty though, Alex and I were both equally happy to learn we both had issues.  It put us on the same playing field and it was equally both our faults!  This is one thing I have been so happy for throughout the whole process: we have been in this TOGETHER, literally, since the very beginning).  Our doctor decided we were the perfect candidates for IVF.  He explained that he doesn't always fast track patients straight to IVF, but we needed to pick the best sperm and put it with the best eggs for a good chance, so that's what had to be done.

special delivery-fertility medicine.

Welcome to IVF.  We made the first call to start the IVF process on February 17th.  It began with birth control (which we find so funny since I've never taken it before in my life and now I had to to try and get pregnant).  We seem to have such great timing for everything.  The day our fertility medicine was delivered to us, March 2nd, was the day before our little Murphy passed away.  When we began the IVF process, Murphy wasn't as sick and we thought he just might need a surgery.  By the time we realized that he wasn't going to make it, we already had the IVF medicine ordered and there was no going back.  So while we were grieving over our little Murphy, we were starting a long grueling process to try and start a human family.  Talk about tough shit.

all of the medicine for one IVF process.

We started our first shots on March 21st.  Before shots, I was on several medications and both Alex and I were on a 10-day antibiotic that kicked our asses (to try and kill any bacteria that could be potentially transferred during the process).  It gave us both bad stomach aches and we felt overall like crap.  I've heard lots of IVF patients say different things about the shots.  The reality for me is I don't like shots.  Who does?  But they weren't too terrible.  I used ice packs almost every time and I cried a few times (I'm a very emotional person, and have cried alot because of infertility), and we had a handful of times where we drew blood.  But overall, the shots weren't that bad.  One of the things I am grateful for the MOST out of this process is how willing Alex was to assist me with shots.  I knew I couldn't do my own shots (I'm a klutz and again, the emotions) and I owe him a million hugs for administering them for me.  It was not easy.  The first 9 days we only had one shot, at night.  Not too bad.  On March 30th, we had two shots in one day, then on March 31st, we had 3, one in the morning and two at night.  The three shots a day continued until April 8th.  By then, both my thighs were pretty sore and my left one was black and blue.  The abdomen wasn't too bad.

Here we go.  We administered the HCG trigger shot on Saturday, April 9th.  It was scary because it was the biggest needle and "this was it!"  Alex was terrified to administer it, but thanks to our amazing nurse, who drew a circle on my butt, we had the right area.  Yah!  Our retrieval was Monday, April 11th.  We both took the whole week off of work for this.  This was it, our first chance, and we wanted to do it right.  We arrived at the hospital at 6:30 a.m. on Monday.  The retrieval was very short, maybe 1 1/2 hours.  While I was sedated, Alex provided his sperm sample.  After, our doctor told us he was able to retrieve 10 good eggs from me.  He seemed a little disappointed, but we were ecstatic.  10 good eggs!  (We found out later that the reason for the slight disappointment is because the higher the number, the more he has to work with and the greater the chances of frozen embryos).  On Tuesday, the 12th, we got the call that 8 eggs were fertilized using Alex's sperm.  This was such a load off for Alex, as this was one of the things he was most nervous about.  Wednesday we had a free day where we went and hung out just the two of us for a bit.  It was a beautiful day and we went to the local outlet mall and bought new dishes and had dinner together.  Super nice and relaxing! 

2 little embryos transferred!

Thursday, April 14th was our transfer day!  Yah!!  We arrived at the hospital at 9:30 a.m. and had another quick procedure.  I was also sedated for this procedure (which isn't always typical but was necessary for me due to my tight cervix).  Afterwards, we took the happiest of photos that still makes me tear up.  Two little embryos transferred back into us!  Two little "me and Alex combined" embryos!  All of our hard work led up to this moment.  The doctor told us that everything "was perfect," and we were so excited!  After the transfer, I was on bed rest for three days.  It sounds lovely to lots of people, but gets really old after the first day or so.  But we were so afraid of messing up the process that we did everything the doctor told us to do: don't shower for three days, no bathtub for five days, keep your legs up, don't get up and do anything except go to the bathroom.

My last blood test=our negative pregnancy test.

And here we are.  Who sings that song "the waiting is the hardest part?"  Just like if you were waiting to see if you're pregnant naturally, there is waiting for IVF.  I went to the doctor on Monday, April 18th.  Four days after my transfer, for testing.  Then again on Wednesday, April 20th.  Then a final time on Monday, April 25th.  During this time, we tried to be as hopeful and positive as possible.  We talked alot about the possibility of twins.  We talked about the "babies" that were inside of us.  We laughed as much as possible.  We tried to be happy about everything we had gone through to bring us to this point.  We had come so far!  On Monday though, I just didn't feel as hopeful.  All day, I was nervous but tried to chalk it up to nerves and anxiety.  In the end, it came down to a call I received at 2:14 p.m., that started with the words "Unfortunately..."  It's amazing to me that so much of the process leads up to a moment that could end it all in just 6 minutes.  You go from being at the doctor every other day for weeks, taking tons of pills, and scheduling your life around shot times, to weaning yourself off of medicine and going on a waiting list for a consultation.  It ends that abruptly.  And that is where we are at.

The last photo of our first IVF process (after lots of crying).

What's next.  We don't know alot about what went wrong.  Most of that will be discussed at the consultation we have with our doctor in a month or two.  What we do know is that the embryos didn't latch on and my HCG level was never high enough to indicate a pregnancy.  I failed the first blood pregnancy test we took, on April 25th.  For now, we get a much needed break from it all, while we wrap our heads and hearts around what's next, and try to go back to a semi-normal life.  We're not exactly sure what's after that.

xoxo

fathers day, another Hallmark holiday, and some nontraditional cards!!

Happy Dad's Day!  I know these holidays are just "Hallmark holidays," but I feel like we can always use more excuses to slow down and show gratitude to someone that means alot to us, don't you agree?  (And with so much going on in the world today, it is seeming so important to tell our loved ones how much they mean to us).

I'm so lucky to have several amazing guys in my life!  There's my own (one and only) Daddio of course, who is the silliest person I know.  Then, my father-in-law, who is sweet and comforting even though he's always doing a million things.

 

Also my Grandpa, who has become one of the top influential people in my life, and who shares my love for all things camera-related.  And my other Grandpa, who recently passed, but will always make me smile remembering when he said "It's time to go home!" every time he found me sleeping on the couch during family parties.

 

And finally, my amazing hubby.  Even though I haven't been able to make him a father to human children, he is THE BEST fur dad in the whole wide world.  Nothing makes my heart happier than to see him rolling around with the furries on the floor.

So yeah...I'm pretty dang lucky!  I created handmade Father's Day cards for all of the wonderful gents in my life.  And since I can't share a post without there being at least a tiny bit of craft-related stuff, here they are!

I wanted to create some very nontraditional Father's Day cards, partly because I have so many general everyday life stamps, and also because I kinda get bored of creating the same things over and over.  I've been watching a ton of crafty videos lately, and was inspired by some old Two Peas videos to create these cards.

 

This post will also be a part of an upcoming post about "Killing a Kit," a challenge I've given myself, to finish up what I have left of BasicGrey's Hipster collection.  More on that one day soon!

I hope you had a wonderful weekend and took time to thank the fathers and dads in your life!

xoxo

a little bit of life, lately - April

From where I stand.  Love this big ball of fluff so much!

*After the most recent hacker issue on Instagram, I'm seriously considering setting my account to private.  I am especially considering this for when kiddos are around.

*My Oh Deer Me subscription is ending in June and it's making me quite sad, since the last few kits have been pretty freaking amazing!  Trying to decide between continuing on with this kit or or Ali's monthly story kits.

*Since being under the weather lately, I've been pinning again on Pinterest.  It's sooo easy to just go on and scroll...and pin...and scroll.

*Speaking of Pinterest, we tried this one-pot recipe and this Crockpot recipe.  Both were AMAZING and easy, even though cranberries are out of season and can't be found anywhere and we therefore had to use Craisans.

*What's been inspiring me lately?  Ann-Marie Morris and Amy Tangerine.  Both fabulous amazing ladies and I love their simple message to just use your supplies, get crafty, and document your stories.

*I received a $5 gift card from Etsy for filling out a customer survey, and I'm almost certain I'll be spending it here since I'm always drooling over her pretty things!  I'm thinking this and/or this needs to be delivered to my P.O. Box ASAP!

*Will be sharing a 3-month (a little late) check-in with my OLW, complete.  My word this year has already been so much different than any words I've chosen in the past, mainly because I'm keeping it in mind always.

*KISS: Keep it simple and sweet.  This has become my motto for crafting, and life, this year.  I've been creating happily, and not overthinking, and it feels so good for my soul!

xoxo

on my desk: tough

This month, I'm telling stories about "tough" and "strong," using Ali Edwards' story kit, tough.  I like to document what's real in my life, but if I have a choice between documenting the happy or the stressful, I definitely choose the happy.

But the newsletter about Ali's kit, tough, just seemed to come at the right time, and I couldn't deny that scrapbooking some tough stories would definitely help be some creative therapy.

I'm focusing on two main subjects: losing our little Murphy and also going through IVF.  Two major things making big impacts on our lives this year.  Here's a peek at one of the pocket pages  I'm finishing about starting the IVF process.

 

the kits:  I ordered both the story kit and the stamp because I loved both so much!  Both arrived very quickly after ordering and the quality of both are just flawless.  The best for me, though, is the content that comes with the kit: a workshop, of sorts, that goes through the story theme, ideas for stories, and Ali's processes for her layouts.  She is so inspiring to me, I could listen to her all day!  You can check out the kits here, if it sounds like something you'd be interested in.

Keep telling stories and documenting memories!

xoxo 

four stories / Pocket Your Year February.

 

I just created and submitted my third pocket page spread for the Pocket Your Year workshop!  Eeek!  Creating pocket pages this year so far has been fun but also challenging.

I really have embraced my style of telling longer, bigger stories in my pocket pages, but also smaller stories.  For the February unit of Pocket Your Year, we talked about our scrapbooking process, and I created a two-page spread featuring four short stories about our little family, inspired by the show Life in Pieces.

I told one story about each of the members of our family: Alex and his "damaged pants," Cocoa and her love for people food, the bunnies and their new favorite spot, and a fourth story about me and Alex, and how we always frequent Menards.

If you'd like to see my full pocket page layouts or learn more about Pocket Your Year, it's not too late to join the workshop!

xoxo

my One Little Word for 2016.

I realized I never shared this post about choosing my One Little Word for 2016, 
so I'm stepping back a little and sharing it today.

__________

WHY COMPLETE?  The word complete popped into my head late last year after looking through my old December Daily albums.  To date, I have completed zero December Daily albums.  It's pretty sad. I also have, under my fabulous belt, two incomplete summer albums, and several "ongoing" projects: my inspiration *Smash book and my wedding *Smash book.  Basically, I'm the freaking queen of incomplete projects!  To top all that craziness off, I also have a long list of projects I want to complete {eventually}.  I will fully admit here that my original idea for complete was simply that: finish as many incomplete projects as I can in 2016.

BUT, then I found out I made the Pocket Your Year creative team (yah!) and I quickly realized this goal of mine probably wasn't realistically possible.  So... I thought "I need a new word!" (BRAVE!)  But... after listening to Ali and Elise talk about One Little Word and the whole concept of it, I decided to stick it out with complete and see where it takes me this year!  (whether you're a OLWer or not, this is a great episode to listen to!)

So now what?  Now I have no idea!  Just kidding.  But not really...I've already been thinking LOTS about complete this year so far.  Some of the questions I've been asking myself is: 

• What does a complete life look like to me?
• {Given our learning of having fertility issues} what does it mean to me to have a complete family?
• What would a complete version of myself feel like, and look like?  What will I be happy with?
• AND, why the heck do I struggle so much with completing projects?

I think complete is going to be freaking awesome for me this year!  I'm really excited to see where it takes me, and what I discover from it.  So, hello complete, my OLW for 2016!!

What is your OLW for 2016?  Share some deets in the comments below!

xoxo